Seasons greetings- or how to offend people before the year's even begun

In case you hadn't noticed, it's nearly Christmas. I say you might not have noticed because in London, by this stage of December, most people are living on a diet of champagne and Berocca, with lunch sliding via a few office mince pies into a dinner where everyone seems to be wearing the same semi-ironic Santa hat procured from some dodgy stall on Oxford Street. But this being Paris, a few tasteful lights have gone up near the local mairie, your office colleagues will be grumbling that they have to use up some of their obscenely large holiday allowance to go shopping for presents, and otherwise it's business as usual.

That is, apart from the cartes de voeux. In a country that tends to do things the right way round when it comes to religion (no RE lessons at school: lots of public holidays for religious festivals) the end of year cards are something of an institution.

And so, a large pile arrived on my desk last week. Corporately tasteful, carefully avoiding any potentially offensive allusion to religion, they sat there accusingly while I tried to work out who should benefit from my seasonal wishes.

What I hadn't banked on was the steady trickle of colleagues asking me what they should write in their cards. It began last Wednesday. "I want to say, 'Que cette nouvelle année vous apporte la réussite dans tout ce que vous entreprenez, que le bonheur soit au rendez-vous dans vos cœurs et dans ceux de vos proches.' How do you say this in English?"

You don't. You really don't. If you were to write to a business contact that you hoped they succeeded in everything they undertook, and that happiness would reign in their hearts and those of their loved ones, they would probably never work with you again on the grounds you had clearly gone bonkers. 

Day two wasn't much better. "Que cette année soit pour vous source de réussites et de joies" is marginally less verbose, but wishing that next year will be a source of success and many joys seems to imply your contact may be expecting twins.

When I explain this, people are puzzled and disappointed.
-"But what should I say instead?
-Merry Christmas.
-Can it not be a little longer and nicer?
-How about, 'Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year'?"

They don't believe me. I may even lose my crown as oracle-of-all-things-English. And I haven't even written my own cards yet. Maybe I'll wish my English contacts a 2013 that rhymes with prosperity, health and joy and my French contacts seasons greetings. Then I won't have to send any next year.