A word from the Executive Vice-President of Word-Processing Initiatives

I sometimes have fantasies about what the killer title to have on my business card would be. Most of us do this, usually in the context of imagining bumping into an odious former boss, or the girl who used to pick on us on the school bus when we were five. "How am I doing? Oh, fine, here's my card, we must have lunch together".... and with a samurai flash of card displaying a title that left no room for doubt as to your importance and wealth, you would completely destroy their self-worth.

The problem is that very few titles actually pass muster. There is something rather laughable about being Chairman and Founder of a company that only includes yourself. And at the opposite end of the spectrum, I met someone yesterday who introduced himself as Vice-President of Strategic Initiatives for the Industry Business Line.

He had recently been promoted and was clearly extremely pleased with himself. I didn't like to point out that:

1) Vice-President of Strategic Initiatives implies there is likely to be a president, a senior vice-president or even an executive vice-president also in charge of strategic initiatives. That sounds like a lot of people in charge of some initiatives.

2) What are strategic initiatives anyway? They sound pretty lame. A strategy has oomph. A programme at least sounds concrete. Initiatives sound like lots of people sitting around in a room talking about whether or not something is a good idea, which, let's face it, if there are three vice-presidents in charge of the same thing is likely to be true.

The golden rule is that no title should be longer than three words, otherwise it isn't a proper job. Chief Executive - only two words. Chairman - even better, only one. (Marketing & Communications Director is just about ok, but only if you cheat and don't count the ampersand).

Of course this is heresy to most senior company executives, or indeed Americans, who are all senior vice-president of something. There is also a theory that in a recession, companies can't give people pay rises so they try fobbing them off with fancy titles instead. My advice is, don't fall for the trick. Demand the extra cash.

And if you do want to argue a title change, go simple. My absolute favourite is the head of the National Theatre. He's simply called The Director. What else do you need?

How to speak estate agent

I haven’t written for a while because I’m buying an apartment. I say “buying”. I actually mean shopping. The inner fishwife in me loves looking around other people’s apartments. Sometimes, you get good design ideas: the rest of the time you can gasp at their terrible taste.

It also brings you into frequent contact with estate agents, a strange breed who, I am starting to realise, are pretty similar both sides of the Channel. Crucially, they have their own language. So in the absence of any deep insights into corporate communications, this week I’m serving up the guide to estate agent speak - in London and Paris:

Charmant	Extremely small.
Atypique	The shower is in the kitchen.
-ette	Kitchenette. Cuisinette. Studette. Whatever the language, “-ette” translates as “unliveably small”.
Bijou	London estate agent term for “charmant”.
Has potential	Start learning about plumbing, now.
Good investment	Don’t even think about trying to live there.
Coup de coeur assure!	The owners are in the middle of a messy divorce and need to sell this apartment immediately.
Vaste	Anything over 35m2*. Still considered unliveably small by anyone who has the social misfortune to live outside the Periphérique.
Sans perte de place /  bon agencement	“The number of square metres might look terrible, but this apartment really is worth the extra €20,000”.
…Village	As in, “Abbeville Village”,“Harringay Village”… Description for a small row of shops including Sainsbury’s Local and Starbuck’s used by London estate agents to play into every tired urbanite’s dream of the rural idyll where Mum and Dad live.
…Borders	Highbury Borders is Finsbury Park. Hampstead Borders is Finchley Road. If it’s bordering, it isn’t actually there.
Dans quartier en pleine restructuration	Gangland.
Recently regenerated area	Some prostitutes and drug pushers by the tube station, but a few gay interior designers have recently moved in.

*Paris estate agents – and Parisian buyers – are completely obsessed with square meterage. This is because the difference between a large apartment and a small apartment is a washing machine. Don’t even think about a dishwasher: these are for people living in the provinces.

New Year’s resolutions : cutting out the fat

A lot of people you talk to at this time of year have one big objective: to end 2013 thinner than they started it. In real life this involves a dispiriting programme of limp salad and mineral water, usually disappearing mid-February into an orgy of leftover Christmas chocolates and red wine.

But when it comes to communications, losing the flab is definitely worth doing, and with a bit of effort, it can be maintained all year.

This is on my mind particularly at the moment because I’ve been helping structure a series of presentations and plenary sessions for my company’s senior management conference in March. Inevitably, this means lots of time on Powerpoint. I have a personal hatred of Powerpoint. It’s the microwave oven equivalent of communications – in theory, you can do anything with it, but in practice, the result is usually overcooked, tasteless and flabby.

So based on the last week’s experience, here are my top tips for cooking up the perfect Powerpoint presentation:

• Think about what you want people to take away. Research shows over and over again that people can’t absorb more than four to five key messages at best, and long-term, they’ll probably retain only one. This isn’t anything to do with intelligence- many of the brainiest people are also the ones with the least time on their hands, and therefore the least likely to concentrate unless they think it’s worth their while.
• Separate what you want to say from the way you want to say it. There are three elements in a slide presentation: your message, your slide and your notes. Your slide and your notes are there to support your message, not replace it. Find a way to present the most important points graphically – can you use a picture or a chart?
• Tell a story: don’t just present information. All good stories have a beginning, a middle and an end. Start by giving an overview of the main points you plan to cover and provide a recap at the end. The ‘moral’ of your story is what you want people to take away. The need to refocus on a business line in response to a competitor’s offer is arguably less enticing than having to kiss lots of frogs before meeting a handsome prince, but the principle is the same.
• Use a checklist and cut ruthlessly: a maximum of five key points, supported by relevant examples and figures in the presentation as a whole; one slide for one idea, explained in a maximum of two minutes and no more than three bullet points per slide, with 6-10 words per bullet point.
• Finally, avoid death by Powerpoint:  People are more likely to remember ideas if they are presented in different ways. Is there anything you can use to explain your ideas other than a slide e.g. a prop, or a short video? Some of the best presenters don’t use slides at all – think Steve Jobs in his famous product launch setpieces. However, take a reality check: if you get nervous in front of an audience, or if people don’t want to sit next to you at dinner parties because they think you’re boring, don’t do it.

In fact the best Powerpoint presentation isn't like a microwave at all. It's more like a miniskirt. Long enough to cover the essentials, but short enough to be interesting.